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News Nots

New Technology Will Solve Those Nagging Questions Of, Er, Size

News Nots Written by Timons Esaias

We all know that there are certain parts of the human body, though differing between men and women, where size is an important aesthetic factor. Parts about which people ask themselves, "Is this part too large?" and "Is this part large enough?" and even "Is this part the right shape?"

Parts that are so rarely adequate that those people who have good ones can earn tens of thousands of dollars, sometimes millions, a year just for letting the rest of us look at them.

"Studies have shown that worrying about the adequacy of these, er, aesthetically-oriented physical features takes an average of ten years off a person's life," says Dr. Igor Quickly, a specialist in plastic and gutta-percha surgical techniques at the Hollywood Hospital of Structural Engineering. "It's worse than smoking, and affects almost everyone!"

Today's body-hugging clothing styles have only made matters worse."It's impossible to hide the nature of one's physical endowments anymore," moans social critic Ida Dunnbetter, "or the lack of them. I think much of the violence we see in the streets today is from frustration over self-image. Children especially look at all the billboards and the magazine ads and they know that they face a whole life of physical inadequacy. They can't see any reason for hope. So they might as well go out in a blaze of gunfire."

Medical technology is about to save us all, probably just in time.Dr. Quickly's surgical team and Hollywood Hospital's cutting-edge technical and special-effects people have jointly developed a medical device which will probably have more impact than the artificial heart. And more users than the pacemaker.

It's called the Addressable Contour Converter, and is the first of what's expected to be a whole series of "smart implants." It consists of a microchip-controlled pneumatic pump, inside a flexible bag. Small cables connected to the inside of the bag, stronger than the strongest piano wire, allow the microchip to reshape the inflated bag with surprising precision.

What does this mean for the typically insecure consumer? "Say one has a, ah, body part that is, say, insufficiently generous," Dr.Quickly hypothesizes. "Take for instance, a nose. We surgically insert the Addressable Contour Converter into the, ah, um, nasal region, and after the incision is healed the patient is able to make the organ, er, nose assume any one of thousands of pre-programmed shapes."

The beauty of this system is that the ACC device can be controlled without wires or other external connections. The chip has a tiny cell-phone inside which the user can simply call up from any push-button telephone! Punch a few numbers and you can instantly have a new physical appearance!!

"This will make the Wonderbra and the codpiece obsolete," admits one clothing manufacturer, "except for the very poorest of the poor."He expects to see a boom in fashion nonetheless. "Everyday people will suddenly be able to wear the stunning outfits that only supermodels, athletes, and trophy spouses could even consider being seen in before. We'll be rich, I tell you. Rich!!"

The ability to adjust oneself to different cuts of clothing will allow individuals to purchase a more varied wardrobe as well. "If one needs to be voluptuous, one can be voluptuous," says Rand E Enreddi, a product counselor for Hollywood Hospital of S. E.. "If one needs a slimmer profile, one simply reprograms. And if one has a variety of social partners, one can now precisely adapt to their individual aesthetic needs. 'Just being yourself' will take on a much richer,more flexible, meaning."

Environmentalists have eagerly embraced the onset of this important invention. "Our eyes won't be assailed with the depressing vision of hundreds of sagging attributes every time we walk down a busy street or attend a social function," said one advisor to Greenpeace's Personal Pulchritude Action Group. "It will be good for society, because people won't all be sulking in their homes anymore. They'll have the confidence to go out in public, interact, and reknit the social fabric."

Both political parties are expected to embrace the idea of including this surgery in the standard Medicare benefits package, and possibly providing a tax break for everyone who undergoes it. "If you want to guarantee a lost election," says one pundit, "just stand in the way of the citizen getting this new device."

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