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News Nots Written by Timons Esaias

"I'm just plain tired of our coddling aliens," admits Tellalulu Bunkhead. "It's time we give human beings some credit."

Ms Bunkhead is just one of thousands of people from all over the world who have joined what the Timbuktu Times called "the most important self-rationalization movement of this decade." While the movement's members may not speak the same language, share the same political aspirations, or even worship the same deity, they do share an unshakable credo: that human beings are in all ways superior to space aliens.

"If these dad-blasted aliens were such hot stuff," said one vocally expressive supporter, "they wouldn't have to be sneaking around kidnapping our women for medical experiments. And they wouldn't be chopping up our cattle at night but leaving the best cuts behind."

Sociologists claim it's about time a movement like this got going. "The 'Sapiens Supreme' phenomenon is a healthy backlash against all the science fiction propaganda that misguided liberals have been foisting on us for decades now," explains Dr. 'Sonny' Selvstartar. He teaches Lamarckian ethnography and advanced Lysenkian biosociology at the South Carolina Teaching Institute for Social Research and Development. "This scurrilous nonsense had people thinking that people from other planets were all smarter, stronger, wiser and infinitely more ruthless than we are. We were even being made to believe that civilization might be wiped out by something as insignificant as a meteor the size of Manhattan. All nonsense, of course. If humanity has survived the real Manhattan, there's no way an unpopulated one could possibly harm us."

Part of the reason for this growing confidence in mankind's superiority is the lack of impressive fallout from the Roswell Incident of the late 1940s, in which the U.S. government captured a crashed flying saucer and the bodies of its occupants. For nearly a generation rumors of this incident have frightened people into thinking that full-scale alien invasion must be just around the corner. Conspiracy theorists believed that both Kennedys were assassinated because they were "soft on space creatures" and possibly considering spilling the beans on the discoveries at Roswell.

But now, with no marvelous new technologies popping up in the defense industry, and no government interest in a robust space program, it's becoming clear that the "secret of Roswell" may be exactly the opposite of what we'd been misled to believe. "The space aliens must have been hopelessly inferior," says Belarusian historian Nadia Bitovit. "If that had gotten out during the Cold War, people might not have been willing to support the huge expenditures on military hardware and on the Space Race. The economies of the major powers would have been in ruins, and world leaders like Stalin, Eisenhower, Johnson and Khrushchev would have had to face their flagging sexual energies head-on. So everybody just kept it quiet."

Now that they have had time to think about it, many Roswell witnesses have admitted "that some of the remains of the spacecraft did resemble parts of a steam engine" and that the strange writing seen on many of the alien artifacts "were more like primitive pictographs than a sophisticated writing system." One ex-Air Force pilot who claims to have seen the alien bodies at Wright-Patterson AFB, has publicly admitted that, "they didn't really look very intelligent or anything. They had that kinda bullheaded, stupid facial expression my brother-in-law George had before he was killed in a miniature golf accident. I guess I didn't think much of it at the time."

Theologians have long insisted that humans must be top of the heap, if still just a little inferior to angels. "I think some people mistook the aliens for a kind of angel, and erroneously supposed they must have superhuman attributes," observed Father John Falstaff, whose book "Lead Us Not Into Time Travel, and Deliver Us From Hyper- Space" makes a strong case for censoring, if not banning, so-called Science Fiction genre novels and Dark Fantasy fiction. "But why would God waste the creation of a Cindy Crawford on a second-rate species? She is living proof of the perfectibility of the human race. I've never seen a space alien that could compare."

The sensible realization of human supremacy has even gained ground among advocates of the Humanities. "Where is the alien Art, after all?" asks Walken Tewandphro. Speaking recently of Michelangelo at a fund-raiser for the Suburban Museum of Art, where he is Development Director, he said "All one must do to understand the complete supremacy of the human artist is to contrast the face on the "David" or those of the "Pieta" with the only alien art work we know, the "Face" on Mars, to see that their efforts are infantile, derivative, and graceless."

Other aesthetic authorities have pointed out that the Martian "Face" would have been the aliens' great chance to show their superiority, and the result is not impressive. "If they had reason to be proud of themselves they would have shown an alien face, not a human one. And if they were technically superior you think it would show in the workmanship. But NASA photographs make it clear that Mount Rushmore is ten times better as a monumental sculpture," says an editorial in the magazine Art Without Taxation.

Architectural historian Roman Greco has come to a similar realization about the Egyptian Pyramids, long thought to be constructed under alien supervision. "When you get right down to it," he reluctantly concludes, "all they are is big and basic. Nothing to write home about."

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