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New Software Takes Burden Out Of Business

News Nots Written by Timons Esaias

Experts agree that multiple bookkeeping is the sine qua non of any successful business operation. "Without at least a second set of books, your chances of squirreling a little extra away from the IRS and your wife are practically nil," said financial advisor Kent B. Veritas of Veritas, Soluspro, and Avibus. "The whole accountancy industry is based on this simple truth."

Now technology is providing a great leap forward in this vital area! According to Adam Triplicatti, President of Patriot Business Software, "Our new accounting and spreadsheet program, QUIKFIFTH, keeps two, three, four, even five sets of books simultaneously. It enables you to address every sort of auditing need with output tailored specifically for that situation. You'll be able to tell partners, stockholders, franchisees, and Federal officials exactly what they need to hear."

Patriot Business Software sees lots of useful applications for QUIKFIFTH. The Baseball owners could open their books to the players if they had this, as well as prove to their local municipalities their complete inability to build new stadiums for themselves. It could have given us the edge in NAFTA negotiations, and GATT. Triplicatti claims that the White House Office of Management and Budget is looking into their product with an eye toward saving Clinton's re-election chances by wiping out the deficit in a single year.

But it's the individual business user that Patriot Business Software is committed to helping. "This breakthrough should relieve American business from paying any income taxes, forever!" says Triplicatti. This will mean more investment, more jobs, and a general upsurge in the economy. "This country might stumble out of the doldrums that we've been in ever since the McGovern Administration."

The chief designer for QUIKFIFTH, Alf Urbucks, had a historical vision for what his program needed to accomplish. "I kept asking myself, what makes the difference between a vibrant, longterm business enterprise and the cash-strapped, boom and bust businesses that are the norm? So I studied the history of certain large Italian family concerns. They've been around for centuries, facing all kinds of adversity, frequently treated with active hostility by government regulators, and yet they show consistent profitability. But what seperates them from an urban street gang is nothing but quality bookkeeping. They maintain extensive, multipurpose financial documentation. And I realized that the personal computer could now bring these opportunities to everybody."

Patriot Business Software has yet to take their financial wizardry down to the level of the individual wage-earner. Triplicatti sympathizes with working men and women, but observes that "somebody has to bear the burdens of free enterprise." He does suggest that individuals should legally incorporate themselves if at all possible. "Incorporation is the best method, short of election or fame, to avoid those awkward responsibilities that so encumber normal people."

The Internet has opened a whole new vista of financial opportunity for businesses, and Patriot Software will soon be releasing its software remedy for insufficient credit: INFIKITE. "Now that you can wire financial instruments over the Internet, the ability to raise instant capital through complex check-kiting is only limited by your RAM and your modem's baud rate," notes Triplicatti. "The alpha version of INFIKITE was able to move money from account to account, bank to bank, country to country at over 50 times the rate that regulators can trace the transactions. In our tests we found that we could create money at over a million dollars an hour, simply through passing unbacked checks back and forth faster than they can clear the banks!"

INFIKITE is well-named, since it seems likely to usher in an age of unprecedented business expansion through private invention of funds. "American businessmen used to have to wait around for the Federal Reserve to increase the money supply, and then wait around for the banking system to distribute the new resources," said one particularly anonymous Wall Street insider. "It was a tedious and restrictive system, and unfairly favored those businesses that had real resources or actually produced goods and services. Now we'll see a virtual capital situation, with businesses able to break loose from the bonds of mere physicality. It fits the increasingly virtual world of the coming millennium."

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